The Mourner's Bill of Rights

The Mourner’s Bill of Rights

Experiencing a loss, especially that of someone you were close to is a challenging and life changing experience.  It is common to not know what to do, what to think, or how to feel, and at times it might seem like nothing is real. The people around you will want to offer some type of support. This support could be doing something for you like bringing you a casserole so you don’t have to worry about what to eat. It could be offering what they believe are words of encouragement, support or advice.  All of this is typically well intentioned, and support is an important part of your grieving process, please note that as a mourner you have a unique set or rights.  These rights “The Mourner’s Bill of Rights” by Dr. Alan Wolfelt, are foundational in helping your grieving process.   

1.       You have the right to experience your own unique grief. No one else will grieve in exactly the same way you do. Don’t allow others to tell you what you should or should not be feeling.  

2.       You have the right to talk about your grief. Talking about your grief will help you heal. Seek out others who will allow you to talk as much as you want, as often as you want, and about your grief.   

3.       You have the right to feel a multitude of emotions. Confusion, disorientation, fear, guilt and relief are just a few of the emotions you might feel as part of your grief journey. Know that there is no such things as a “wrong” emotion. Accept all your feelings and find listeners who will do the same.  

4.       You have the right to be tolerant of your physical and emotional limits. Your feelings of loss and sadness will probably have you feeling fatigued. Respect what your body and mind are telling you. Get daily rest. Eat balanced meals. And don’t allow others to push you into doing things you don’t feel ready to do.  

5.       You have the right to experience “griefbursts.” Sometimes out of nowhere, a powerful surge of grief may overcome you. This can be frightening, but it is normal and natural. Find someone who understands and will let you talk it out.  

6.       You have the right to make use of ritual. The funeral ritual does more than acknowledge the death of someone loved – it helps provide you with the support of caring people. More importantly, the funeral is a way for you to mourn. Later rituals, such as lighting a candle for the person who died, can also be healing touchstones. If others tell you the funeral or other healing rituals such as these are silly or unnecessary, don’t listen.  

7.       You have the right to embrace your spirituality. If faith is a part of your life, express it in ways that seem appropriate to you. Allow yourself to be around people who understand and support your religious beliefs. If you feel angry at God, find someone to talk with who won’t be critical of your feelings of hurt and abandonment.

8.       You have the right to search for meaning. You may find yourself asking, “Why did he or she dies? Why this way? Why now?” Some of your questions may have answers, but some may not. And watch out for the clichéd responses some people may give you. Comments like, “It was God’s will” or “Think of what you have to be thankful for” are not helpful and you do not have to accept them.  

9.       You have the right to treasure your memories. Memories are one of the best legacies that exist after the death of someone loved. You will always remember. Instead of ignoring your memories, find creative ways to embrace them.  

10.   You have the right to move towards your grief and heal. Reconciling your grief will not happen quickly. Remember, grief is a process, not an event. Be patient and tolerant with yourself and avoid people who are impatient and intolerant with you. Neither you nor those around you must forget that the death of someone loved changes your life forever.  

Posted with permission from The Centre of Loss & Life Transition.  For more information on grief and healing visit www.centerforloss.com.